It’s not that I’m unhappy being a dog, although I do get bored with it when nothing is happening. I just feel compelled to disrupt something, like The Donald does (although, in his case, it’s mainly to stay out of jail).
“It’s the zeitgeist, General,” The Boss says. “The German philosophers called it ‘the spirit of the age’ — but it can turn out to be a fad.”
He winked at me as if I have a soft spot for fads — but all I can say is that he taught me.
Anyway, the zeitgeist is to inject a little frisson into life by identifying as something else, then watch what unfolds — although I don’t see life as a frog holding promise for me personally.
The frog identifiers have a habit of complaining about deodorant, fly spray and even air conditioning, on account of it dries out their skin — but I’d be more troubled by snakes, goshawks and foxes, which put frogs at the top of the menu.
Speaking of foxes, the furries made a splash for a while — furries think of themselves as animal humanoids, and like to dress up in animal clothing. They don’t actually identify as animals, although it’s hard for me to tell the difference.
On the other hand, identifying as a cat has a strong following. The Vet Explains Pets website says identifying as a cat is “a valid and legitimate expression of one’s identity”.
It claims that identifying as a cat means you feel “a strong connection to feline characteristics”, which can manifest itself in adopting cat-like mannerisms and even in having a cat soul. Some enjoy dressing up as a cat and engaging in playful cat-like behaviours, while others believe they possess cat-like qualities.
Stories of trays of kitty litter being provided in toilets are overblown, but rumours abound!
The Boss says a thousand people desperate to be recognised as dogs turned up at Potsamer Platz station in Berlin, in 2023. Much howling and barking went on — but not much conversation. It must have been unnerving for nearby dogs.
What are my options then?
The Donald is identifying as a monarch, which is lovely for him, but when he combines it with being a bully, being vengeful and ignoring people’s pain, it becomes unattractive.
In the dog world, no dog would be foolish enough to take on a brute like that alone — but before long they would work together and sort him out. We’ll see what happens, but at the moment he’s the unassailable leader of the pack, employing fear, savagery and intimidation — all ancient and effective tools for both dogs and people.
I am looking for something more sedate, as befits my gentle nature. The Boss says he was at a conference once where a bloke claimed to identify as a starfish; he says perhaps I should consider it.
Life as a starfish might be poetic, but rather than waiting for food to come to me, I am attracted by the way humans can head for the fridge whenever they want it.
Identifying as a human will have its costs though. Will I enjoy mountains of food if I surrender my superior sense of smell? Do I want a pile of worries, and take on the burdens of living in the past, and the future?
I might just stay where I am. Woof!
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