Sweating the Small Stuff: How the (censored) do we swear now?

By Max Stainkamph

Apr 22, 2021

Ah f*#&, it finally happened. AFL Goulburn Murray has cracked down on swearing.

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Last week, head office told players swearing wouldn't be tolerated in any form on the field, following four reports of players using abusive or obscene language towards umpires.

Only one of the charges got up, but it meant officials broadened the law from using unacceptable language towards umpires to using it at all.

Which means, for a lot of footballers across the region, we're (censored).

This column is fully supportive of the AFLGM's stance of zero tolerance on umpire abuse.

There's absolutely no question about it, swearing at umpires is (censored) and anyone who does it is a (censored)-ing piece of (censored).

Despite the cry of PC madness, there's a form of logic to banning swearing outright — if players have wriggle-room to say, be it rightly or wrongly, that they weren't swearing at umpires, they'll keep getting off.

The change makes it black and white. It makes sense.

That said, the decision to punish swearing of any kind on the field with free kicks and 50m penalties has raised eyebrows and brought up one big question, especially among the region's reserves players.

“How the (censored) do we swear now?"

Anyone who's set foot on a football field has had a costly kick come off the side of the boot, or missed a tackle, or missed a pass on a netball court, or done something worthy of a short, loud "(censored)".

But now, we — and this column uses we deliberately, as a very average reserves footballer ourselves — can't even swear at ourselves.

How does the traditional reserves player — who ducks off for a dart at half-time and is inebriated by half-time of the seniors — express their frustration during a game?

How does a GVL player let loose a curse of jubilation after kicking a crucial goal?

To quote Clint Eastwood's classic Heartbreak Ridge “we improvise, adapt, overcome”. So, here are some family-friendly curses you can use instead of letting loose a string of certain four-letter words.

Instead of: Shouting (censored) or variants thereof after a mistake

Try: "Merlin's beard, I really beans-ed that one up!”

Merlin's beard is a friendly curse which is fun for the whole family. Who is Merlin? Why is his beard so worthy of exclamation? We may never know, but the idea his beard could be as bad as that switch kick across the face of goal is an objectively funny one. Beans are a good substitute for anything, and that includes curse words. This column's advice could have just been to replace any curse word with the word beans and we'd have been happy. At any rate, beans is an extremely satisfying word to say when something's gone wrong.

Instead of: "What the (censored)!”

Try: "Golly gosh!"

Now, we'd never suggest using this at questioning an umpire's decision. We would never. But, should there come an instance where something on the field leaves you scratching your head, you don't want to make any hypothetical situation worse by saying "what the (censored)" or "you're (censored) kidding me". So, in this unknown situation, the ideal thing to say to express bemusement would be the good old-fashioned "golly gosh". You could also give "boy oh boy, wowee" a crack if you're that way inclined, Brian.

Instead of: "The blokes we're playing this week are a bunch of soft (censored)”

Try: "The gentlemen/ladies over yonder have the same constitution of cheese, and as such are moments from wilting!"

There's actually a great cheese metaphor in here for anyone after a half-time rev-up, which any old-timey English gentleman who finds himself stepping into the coach's box this weekend can use free of charge. It follows thusly: "The gentlemen/ladies over yonder have the same constitution of cheese, and as such are moments from wilting! They have no appetite for the ball at which our attention centres, and as such we are at a conjunction of opportunity, at the crux of which we can take said ball and make it our own, denying our foes the chance to do the same! Should they turn back to milk, they grant us the opportunity to churn them to butter with the strength of our running, a butter strong enough for us to march upon it to victory! Thus onwards to goal, my charges!"

Instead of: Screaming curse words in pain after breaking a leg

Try: Just screaming

Look, you'd hope you'd be let off for this one, but the letter of the law is no swearing on the field for any reason, so we're giving this option to play it safe. If you've done a really bad injury, why waste thoughts trying to translate that pain into recognisable English? Words can't capture the full human emotion of pain, and our advice in light of several four-letter words now being taken off the table is just to scream. It'll get the message to the trainers faster, is more likely to have the game stopped and, no less importantly, is more artistic and gives greater insight into the human condition than just yelling the same swear word over and over.

Instead of: General abuse of someone taking a set shot

Try: A full-team rendition of La Marseillaise

There's nothing quite like a full-throated rendition of the French national anthem. First sung by French troops during the revolution in 1792, it rang around battlefields of the 1790s and beyond. And what are footy ovals and netball courts if not the Goulburn Valley's battlefields? It's stirring, rousing, and — most importantly in this situation — incredibly distracting. Give it a shot the next time your direct opponent is lining up from 30m out on a slight angle.

● All rights on alternate swearing reserved. Results not guaranteed to not give away a free kick. Using these curses may make you look like a time-travelling resident of the Victorian era. Authorised T. Maher, 7940 Goulburn Valley Hwy, Shepparton.