And there's a lot of mess. Deep state mind-control, rings of paedophile satanists lurking in the corridors, and, of course, the scamdemic. For the moment, we'll put Big Pharma, deadly 5G, climate change denial and the flat earth to one side. We have enough on our conspiracy plate.
Right now, I'm starting with my verandah grape vine. It's spreading faster than the China virus and the Kung Flu combined.
Three years ago I paid someone to get rid of the wisteria because it was choking the life out my cat as she slept in the sun. If I didn't do something, it would have strangled me in my bed.
Now it's the ornamental grape vine combined with offshoots of wisteria that threaten to bring down the house and all the pillars of truth it contains.
Last weekend I got the ladder out and started flailing away with a pair of clippers and extended loppers.
It was hot and dangerous work. At any moment I could have been swiped by an elastic branch of misleading lies.
Sometimes I found myself leaning so far off the top of the ladder to reach a waving frond of misinformation and untruth, the whole shebang started swaying and I had to grip on to the verandah pillars to stop myself becoming another statistic in the war on fake news.
I contemplated killing the whole thing by chopping the roots out at ground level and pouring weed killer on the remains.
But my commitment to the free movement and exchange of green information prevented this.
I might not like all its twisting and convoluted branches, but I had planted the damn thing and it had a right to exist.
I just have to keep on top of this thing and stop the spread of its insidious branches.
There is a real danger that if left unchecked, this combination of grape vine and wisteria will engulf the whole verandah with its labyrinth of wild idiocy and ridiculous shoots waving in the wind for a grip on reality.
To curb this potentially poisonous and rampant tangle of nonsensical ideas, experts recommend heavy winter pruning and even the removal of some particularly aggressive roots.
I'm now oiling and sharpening my clippers.
I think this is good advice for all gardeners, particularly those living with right-leaning structures under threat of collapse from aggressive and poorly nurtured branches.
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