Fresh meat.
Eating the baby.
Nothing about any of that sounds like a good time.
But the founder of Shepparton’s newest sporting jam, Goulburn Valley Roller Derby, says the sport is the most fun you can have on wheels.
Eight of them, in fact.
The club might be new, but Ash Sulman is a veteran roller derby player.
For 13 and a half years, she’s rolled in teams in Victoria’s north-east alongside the likes of She-Hulk, Toxicity and Tutu Dangerous.
Her derby name is Isobela Lugosi.
It’s a derivative of Bela Lugosi, the actor who played the original Dracula.
Her mum, the co-founder of GVRD, has adopted the name The Quadmother.
“You just think of something fun and go with it,” Mrs Sulman said.
So what is roller derby?
For starters, it’s not what film-fantasised footage might lead people to believe, despite it being a contact sport.
“We’re not punching each other in the face and clotheslining each other,” Mrs Sulman said.
“It’s now a legit, serious, athletic pursuit. It is a sport; it is for real.”
A 60-minute game of roller derby is made up of two 30-minute halves, each consisting of two-minute ‘jams’ with 30-second breaks between them to rest.
Five players go out on track from each team. Four are blockers, one is a jammer.
The jammer from each team tries to get through the blockers on the other team. They score points for every opposing blocker they pass around the oval track, gathering as many as they can in the two-minute jam term.
The blockers are on offence and defence simultaneously.
“There’s a lot of strategy to it and there’s a lot of layers to it,” Mrs Sulman said.
Be warned, there is legal contact involved that is illegal in football.
It’s rough in the same way that ice hockey and rugby are. Sans the balls and pucks.
Still, kicking, elbowing, pushing and grabbing is forbidden, and Mrs Sulman said the first time she got knocked down didn’t scare her off, rather it spiked an addictive adrenaline rush and a thirst for more.
“You get so strong and so fit. It’s so empowering,” she said.
You don’t need to be a spring chicken or know how to skate or play when you join GVRD.
Mrs Sulman and other skaters from the already nine-strong committee will teach you all you need to know.
You don’t even have to commit to playing. You can simply sign up to learn how to skate and train purely for fitness. Membership fees help the club to pay its expenses, so all skating, non-skating, playing and non-playing members are welcome.
“Our freshie skating teaches you how to skate and fall and stop; learning how to stop and how to fall safely is so important,” Mrs Sulman said.
“And I often hear people say, ‘I’m too old for that’.
“There is a dude in the (United) States who is in his late 70s and he’s a jammer and he still plays.
“My mum started when she was 50. You’re never too old.”
However, there is such a thing as too young to join GVRD. You must be at least 16.
The first team GVRD has created is called the Goulburn Valley Peaches. The name is a nod to the stonefruit-growing and canning industry in the locality.
It needs at least 10 members, but 15 would be better for the sake of every player’s recovery in the 30-second breaks between jams.
Initially, the Peaches will compete in women’s tournaments.
But men shouldn’t be put off joining the club, as they will still be trained up to competitive level and have opportunities to referee games.
Ms Sulman said that if an opportunity to enter a co-ed team came along, the club would most definitely look into it.
“The aim is to have multiple teams eventually so we can have home games,” she said.
“The atmosphere at a roller derby game is just electric, it is so exciting, it’s just so much fun and we would really love to have an event for the community here.”
The search for a venue the size of at least a couple of basketball courts has begun.
The track itself is about as big as one court, but bench space, gear storage, warm-up areas and a place for officials and spectators are also needed.
“I think the showgrounds — after going to that roller disco — would be perfect for an event,” Mrs Sulman said.
Currently, the club is training one day a week — Saturdays between 2pm and 4pm at the Shepparton Baptist Church stadium.
It will host two intake days on October 5 and 12 between the same times to attract members, with two one-hour come-and-try sessions on each of the days.
Skaters glided the streets at the weekend hanging and handing out flyers with QR codes so that people can register and choose their preferred time to secure one of the limited spots over the coming two weekends.
Once registered, you can turn up on the day with or without your own skating gear, sign a waiver and get stuck into skating.
Who knows, it might be your jam.
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