Where does Shepparton, perched in the fruit bowl of Victoria, sit on Australia's soccer food chain?
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It’s a juicy prospect I’ve thought about often.
And now, it may just be something we are all able to sink our teeth into.
On Sunday a list — although unofficial — was released, ranking 760 soccer clubs across the land.
Amateur statisticians at TPO Rankings crunched out the data, and, while using a fairly interesting modus operandi, managed to tack together a rough estimation of where most of Australia’s round-ball operators lie.
I have a few questions.
Is it remotely accurate? Do they even know the difference between Shepparton United and Shepparton South?
There’s only one way to find out.
It is time to whack on your lab coat, grab a microscope and dissect this list for all its worth.
GV Suns
We know the Goulburn Valley Suns are the region’s big boys when it comes to playing pretty football.
But from a national perspective, where do they pull up?
Prepare to be underwhelmed; our lads land in 120th.
Fair enough, they’re affectionately known as “The Farmers” among their peers — although I’m certain the only real farmer is Greg “Crackles” Nash — but I reckon that is a pretty second-rate estimation.
Why? I’ll tell you why.
On Saturday the Orangemen nicked a 1-1 draw with Dandenong City, which currently dwells in the league above the Suns.
TPO Rankings have City coming in at 54th, a hefty 66 placings above Craig Carley’s charges.
The week prior South Melbourne came to town, and although the Suns went down 3-0, surely a minnow sitting outside the “hottest 100” should be conceding bags full more against the (alleged) 44th best team in Australia?
According to the list, rubbing shoulders with the Suns are the likes of State League One outfits, NPL 3 clubs and even teams from (try not to rub your eyes) Tasmania.
Sorry TPO (which I’m beginning to think stands for Typically Poor Opinions), I just don’t buy it.
BASL
Shafting the Suns is one thing — they are in their formative years, there is time for wounds to heal.
But have they dragged our history-bound football institutions, ones drenched in success and pride, through the mud also?
Pretty much.
None of the four Goulburn Valley clubs playing in Bendigo Amateur Soccer League breach the top 300.
Now I know the Shepparton All Stars boys got pantsed 10-1 by the Suns, but tell me they aren’t getting the job done on a joke club named Vipers FC (261st).
So we know the TPO lads obviously don’t rate the Shepparton crop.
But there is another question to be asked.
Which Goulburn Valley club have they deemed the best at kicking that round thing around a paddock?
Coming in at a whopping 312th is Shepparton United. Considering just how successful United was in the early 2010s, I’m certain these rankings have paid little to no consideration to history.
On either side of the Blues are Queanbeyan City and Willoughby Dalleys, which both sound like seedy inner-city restaurants that bribe their way through the food standards review. If that doesn’t sum up how crook the rating system is, nothing will.
Crosstown counterpart Shepparton South isn’t far behind in 327th. Not even last year’s mazy FFA Cup run could lift the Southerners inside the top 300, and before that, it appears a respectable semi-final performance against Strathdale (266th) was blatantly disregarded. Not good enough.
Next up is Tatura — numero 369-o. I don’t mean to offend, but if you’re telling me FC Eaglehawk — which employs some of the grossest footballing tactics this side of the Yarra — is more than 100 placings ahead of the Ibises, I’d tell you to get your head checked.
That leaves Shepparton.
Unfortunately, the Reds have been dealt a 2-7 by TPO; those who play Texas Hold ‘Em will know just how bad that hand is. Sitting in 680th place, it’s more than a bit harsh.
Sure, Reno Lia’s men haven’t been in the pinkest of touches these past few seasons — so what?
Galvanising my earlier point, if the TPO “experts” had any inkling of the names lining up for the Reds a decade ago, they’d be issuing a formal statement apologising to Shepparton Soccer Club. Daniel Heffernan, Shaun Kane, Carl Lamb et al — a modicum of respect please.
In all seriousness, it’s a monster effort to sift through and judge where, by and large, all of Australia’s clubs sit on a ladder.
What I will say to the chaps at TPO is this; come down to Howley Oval for an after-match beer ‘n’ snag — gratis, of course — and let’s see if we can do something about getting Tatura inside that top 300.
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