It's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas. Well, like the jokes that come inside the cheap Christmas bon-bons, anyway.
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Yes, here is a whole page of terrible puns and punchlines that feel more like a slap in the face with a wet towel.
Throughout this week — and in the lead-up to Father's Day — we’ve been asking for your best dad jokes through our Facebook page, email inbox or in person at the News office.
And each joke has attracted a larger sigh than the last — but only one can be crowned the dad joke of all dad jokes this Friday and win a Milwaukee C12JSR M12 radio valued at $129.
It’s all thanks to Ultimate Fasteners Shepparton, which has put the radio up as the prize for the best dad joke.
If you’d like to submit a joke, comment on our Dad Jokes Competition Facebook posts, email editor@sheppnews.com.au or drop in to the News office and give us your best joke to go into the running.
The competition ends Friday, September 4. All entries will be published in the News.
The winner will be announced on Monday, September 7, in print and via our Facebook page.
Here are the jokes so far:
● A termite walked into a bar and asked, “Is the bartender here?”
● Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
● Why do cemeteries have fences around them? Because people are dying to get in.
● A dude asked the forum what kind of wood was in the picture. Husband: “Is it sticky?” Dude: “No…” Husband: “Well, it's not a stick then.”
● I went to the library and asked if they had any books on turtles, the lady at the desk said, “Hard back?” I replied, “Yeah, with little heads”.
● Why couldn’t Fred drive the bus? Fred is a fish.
● Why did Sam fall off his bike? Because Lucy threw a fridge at him.
● What do you call a dog with no legs? Anything you want, he won't come!
● Every night we sit at the table to have dinner, hubby says, “Hey, guess who I saw today.” The kids always say, "Who?" Hubby says, "Everyone I looked at.”
● What is fast, loud and crunchy? A rocket chip.
● I was hiking yesterday when suddenly I ran into a cougar. Almost made me puma pants.
● How do you get down from an elephant? You don’t, down comes from a duck.
● How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh? Nothing, it’s on the house.
● Grandpa: I have a ‘dad bod’. Dad: to me it’s more like a father figure.
● What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
● My husband as we drove past a cemetery: "Look kids, the dead centre of town.”
● Why did the boy bring a car to school? To drive the teacher up the wall.
● What room do ghosts avoid the most? The living room.
● l keep switching the wrappers on my wife's chocolate bars just to wind her up, she hates getting her Snickers in a Twix.
● What did the the little baby porcupine say when he backed into a cactus? "Mummy?”
● What is it called when two cows in a paddock look the same? Deja Moo.
● Where do koalas go on holiday? Koala Lumpur.
● Scientists got bored after watching the Earth turn after 24 hours, so they called it a day.
● When Bob the builder retires what will he be called? Bob.
● How did the butcher introduce his wife? "Meat Patty.”
● I just saw a car being driven by a sheep in a swimsuit. It was a lamb bikini.
● What do you call a guy with a car on his head? Jack.
● I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
● Why did Sally fall off the swing? She has no arms. Knock Knock! Who’s there? Not Sally.
● What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Dam.
● What do you call a lady with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen.
● What do you call a man with no arms or legs at the door? Matt.
● Four out of three people have trouble with maths.
● Why do cows wear bells? In case their horns don’t work.
● What did the right eye say to the left eye? Between you and me, something smells.
● When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
● What did 50 Cent do when he was hungry? 58.
● Mum: "How do I look?" Dad: "With your eyes.”
● What’s brown and sticky ? A stick.
● I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day.
● Today my son asked "can I have a bookmark?" And I burst into tears. Eleven years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Rhys.
● There are not many things in life I don't trust. But I don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.
● Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
● Why are elevator jokes so good? They work on so many levels.
● Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.
● Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.
● Dad, I'm hungry! Dad: Hi Hungry, nice to meet you.
● What do you get when you put gum leaves in a cocktail? A pinnaKoala.
● Did you hear poor old David lost his id? Yeah he’s just known as Dav now.
● My racing snail is not winning races anymore. So I decided to take it's shell off to reduce its weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.
● Why did the blind man fall into the well? He couldn't see that well.
● My father lived to 84 and during his last week I was caring for him. (I am now 91 myself). He told me of two religious types who visited a dying man. They asked “have you made your peace with God?” The man looked at them and said: "We never had a fight.”
● What’s a pirate’s favourite letter? You might think it be R but it’s the C that I love.
● What did one bum cheek say to the other bum cheek? Between you and me, something stinks.
● You can’t have “beef soup” as a password any more. It isn’t stroganoff.
● When I was younger my brother and I went on a road trip with my dad. While we were gone there was a massive storm back home (bit of context). On the way home we were eating little baby bell cheeses in the back seat when my dad piped up and said, “tanks a lot baby cheeses”. We looked up to see a tank in the middle of a paddock from the storm! It’s been a running joke ever since.
● If you see a dead crow on the road it has probably been hit by a truck. If a crow is threatened by a car, it’s mates will call out ‘car, car, caaar'. They have not learnt to say truck.
● Three greyhounds are sitting at a bar, bragging about their racing days. First greyhound: I raced 25 times. Won 15 times and minor places in the remainder. Second greyhound: If you think that’s good, I had 55 races, won 33, second in 10 and minor places in the remainder. The third greyhound looks at the other two laughs and says he ran in 60 races and won 50 of them. Up at the other end of the bar is an old horse. He whinnies in a mocking way. You greyhounds think you're so good. When I was racing I had 100 races and won every one of them. The three greyhounds look at each other in amazement. The first one says to the other two: "How about that? A talking horse.”
● When I was younger I had a casual job packing shelves at a local chemist. One day a hearse was on its way to the Pine Lodge Cemetery when it was involved in a car accident right outside work. Luckily no-one was injured, but the rear hatch was flung open from the impact and the casket was thrown from the vehicle. The casket skid across Wyndham St, crossed two lanes of traffic and the centre medium strip, taking out a set of traffic lights, and got airborne as it hit the gutter outside the chemist. Customers and staff screamed and ran for cover as the casket smashed through the glass window. Straight into the front display of cold and flu medication — and that stopped the coffin.
● Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
● A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”
● A man called for an ambulance. Caller: My mate has been hit by a car. He's bleeding and it looks like broken legs. Operator: Okay. What's your address? Caller: 63 Eucalyptus St. Operator: How do you spell that? Caller: Hang on. (There's heavy breathing on the other end). Operator: How do you spell that? Are you there? Caller: Sorry, no. I couldn't spell eucalyptus so I dragged him round to 3 Oak St. O A K.
● I was standing behind an elderly lady at the ATM. She asked me if I could help her check her balance. So I pushed her over.
● A chicken and a frog go into a library together. They both go to the front counter and the chicken greets the librarian with ‘bok, bok, bok, bok, bok'. The Librarian goes and brings back some books to the chicken and frog. The frog says ‘redit, redit, redit, redit, redit'.
● The local Lions Club was asking for donations towards the new pool so I gave them a cup of water.
● “Dad, are bugs good to eat?” asked the boy. “Let’s not talk about such things at the dinner table, son,” said his father. After dinner the father asked, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?” “Oh, nothing,” the boy said. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”
● Three pieces of string walk into a pub and the first piece of string says, "Three beers, please." The bartender says, "I can't serve you, you're a piece of string!" So the second piece of string says, "I will try." The same reply came back from the bartender. The third piece of string says, "Leave it to me." So the third piece ties himself in a knot, sweeps backs his frayed ends and walks up to the bar and says, "I will have three beers, please!" The bartender says, "No worries." As he starts to leave the bar, the bartender says, "Hang on there, are you a piece of string?" The piece of string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot!”
● The worst pub I ever visited was called ‘The Fiddle'. It was a vile inn.
● The neighbour’s dog did a poo in our garden, so my wife told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence. I don’t see what that solved, we’ve still got dog poo in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.
● I noticed two large bumps on my car battery so I had them tested and one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal!
● Four golfers are standing under their umbrellas in the pouring rain about to tee of. They look over to the river and say, "Have a look at those morons, fishing in this weather!”
● I used to have an addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.
● What do you call a bloke with a shovel in his head? Doug.
● Did you hear about the guy at the AFL game that got hit in the head with a can of Coke? He’s all right now, luckily it was a soft drink.
● What happens when you go to the bathroom in France? European.
● I don't know if this is a scam, but I just received a call saying I'd won $250 or two tickets to an Elvis tribute night. It said, "Press one for the money, or two for the show.”
● What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an elephant? Holes all over Australia.
● Why did the maths book look sad? Because of all its problems.
● What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.
● What do you call a dead person in the closet? 2016 hide and seek champion.
● What do you call a woman with a turtle on her face? Shelly.
● Why should you never give Elsa a balloon? She’ll just Let It Go.
● I like to tell Dad jokes, sometimes he laughs.
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